"Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ol' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Citizen of the Enlightened States of America"
Now, I'm a conservative who lives in California so it's a bit awkward to speak on behalf of the Red States but let me try.
I'll take the deal. Hold on everybody on the Right. Hear me out!
First of all, this proposal isn't entirely fair. For example, the Blue States think they're entitled to having places like Yosemite. Let me remind them that although Yosemite is in California, it's in the eastern - Red part of the state. In fact, California, like most Blue states, is vastly Red geographically. It would be a Red state if it weren't for the Los Angeles and San Francisco urban areas.
Of course, Lex Luthor showed in Superman: The Movie that a few miles east of the west coast is "just hundreds and hundreds of miles of worthless desert land".
I don't want to argue small details, I'll concede Yosemite. After all, we get Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Glacier, and Great Smoky Mountain National Parks. We also get New Orleans. The current (mostly Democrat) residents are certainly welcome to stay there but they will have to switch ideologies. Otherwise, you can have them.
I object to you referring to the south as "Slave States". What century are you people living in?
By the way, condors have been introduced into the Grand Canyon. There's another National Park we get.
"38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties"
You people believe that Hurricane Sandy was caused by humans contributing .0028% of the Earth's greenhouse gases.
Now, here's why I take the deal.
We get Alaska, Texas, Oklahoma and the Dakotas. We get the oil. Without the hysterics in our midst, we will build enough refineries and have cheap gasoline. We'll be happy to sell you some but it's going to cost you.
We'll have lots of open space for wind and solar power too. We're not against this, we just object to the government "investing" in these technologies. If there's jobs and profit to be made, we'll do it - and not burden the taxpayers.
We'll be very business-friendly. Businesses large and small are welcome. Were not big on unions, so our companies will be competitive. You'll have Ford, GM, Chrysler, and Honda. We'll have Mercedes, BMW, Toyota, and Nissan.
"We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs."
Do you really think they'll stay with you? You're going to want to significantly tax these people. We're the ones who will actually be "fair". Everyone will pay the same flat tax rate. These entrepreneurs are going to be mostly Republicans anyways. They're going to want to come to us. How are you going to stop them from leaving? Maybe, you will build a wall?
Anybody who wants to leave the Red States certainly may. We won't stop them. These will most likely be the people who don't work and scam welfare benefits. They won't like living in the Red States. They can be your burden, not ours.
Like any new nation, we'll have our share of problems. Since no one will be on welfare, we'll all have a stake in making this work. We'll find solutions. Your economy will tank as your bluetopia* cannot possibly work.
We believe in a strong military. It will be a major priority. Who's going to defend you?
In ten years or so, our nation will be going strong. Your's will resemble Greece.
When that happens, we'll invade and the hippies and drug-addicts (you know, the ones abusing that "good weed") that will comprise a significant percentage of your nation will be unable to do anything about it.
We'll re-instate the Constitution and get our country back.
*bluetopia (def.): A community or group of communities where all workers make a comfortable "living wage" performing services - depending on their abilities, for the rest of the community. Children of all races grow up in a harmonious, pollution-free environment with no violence, no crime, and therefore, no guns. All conflicts are handled within and outside of the community with compassion and diplomacy. Businesses don't compete with each other. They just have set, "fair", pricing so anybody and everybody can afford anything. All profits are re-distributed evenly back to the community.
-From the Department of Alternate Universes (it would be a very boring place to live, anyways)