I turned 60 a couple of weeks ago. I can definitively say that age has never been an issue with me. Whether I was in my 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, and even 50’s, I never dwelled upon my age beyond just acknowledging to myself where I was in life. All those birthdays came and went, and I have few memories of any of them. I never even had a mid-life crisis. People who know me know I’m down to Earth and logical, perhaps to a fault.
I’m having difficulty accepting that I’m 60. I think I know why.
I’m writing this for myself.
I’m publishing this for personal reasons that I cannot
disclose. My legacy right now is
primarily a few YouTube videos I’ve made.
I need to put something out there more personal and more personally
meaningful. I’m very healthy and
strong. I have no cancer, no heart
issues, and all my body parts work. I
don’t plan on going anywhere for a long, long, time. But when I do go, I know I won’t be
remembered.
I swear that I’m not writing this to feel sorry for myself.
I’m autistic. I’m not
“Rain Man” but anybody who understands this and met me would realize I’m
“somewhere on the spectrum” as they say.
Ten years ago or so, I would have been labeled as someone with
Asperger’s Syndrome. As I understand it,
that term is being used less and less.
It’s not like I really keep up with this stuff, however.
What is it like having Asperger’s? I’ve read and heard some explanations that
never really satisfied me. So I’ll give
you mine. As someone with Asperger’s,
life occurs on the other side of a screen and I’m primarily an observer. I only
partially understand what’s going on the other side of the screen because my
brain has problems processing information from my senses. I see people interacting and it’s all a big
mystery. Blending in with and being part
of a group of people is a natural thing for most human beings. For me, it’s next to impossible because I
can’t process new information on the fly.
I have to analyze everything before I can understand it. Therefore, if I’m exposed, I’ll do everything
to go back in front of the screen. In
other words, I tend to not play well with others and come across as shy and
awkward. People I knew or know may
remember me for saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times. There is an ever-growing list of people who
used to be in my life whom I have alienated and will have nothing to do with
me. If I had any empathy, I’d actually
care.
Ah empathy! It’s
often explained that people with Asperger’s lack it. For the most part, that’s fairly accurate. Viewing a sick child or injured animal will
make most people sad, even if it’s not their child or pet. That really doesn’t happen with me. However, over the years, I’ve learned to “fake”
it because I know I’m supposed to feel this way and will be scorned if I don’t. Deep down, I really am a cold-hearted
bastard! Or am I?
If I lack empathy, why do I still mourn for a dog I lost 24
years ago? Why does the memory of the
vet inserting that injection into him haunt me to this day? Why do I lie at night wondering where my
brother is as he is one of the forementioned people whom I’ve alienated and is
no longer in my life?
I’m getting better all the time, but Asperger’s will show
its ugly head now and then, even at age 60.
I try not to and don’t often think of my childhood, but I’ll
make an exception today. I didn’t know
why I was not like the other kids. I had
very few friends if any. Most kids just
saw me as that weird kid who kept to himself and was kind of dumb and
klutzy. There were few who could match
me at math or could spell as well as me.
Yet I didn’t get good grades. I
never wanted to learn what the teacher was teaching. My parents didn’t know what to do with me. All they knew was that I “wasn’t applying
myself”. I got repeatedly berated and
punished. They made me feel worthless.
It got worse as a teenager.
I never partied. I never
dated. I couldn’t even talk to
girls. I went through high school angry
and scared because I was repeatedly reminded that my future relied on my
schoolwork. I was screaming on the
inside, but no one heard me because there was nothing to hear.
Going into my 20’s found me convinced I had no future and I
was a worthless human being. Those days
in the early ‘80’s found me providing food services at Magic Mountain. Rumor has it I went to college, but that was
such a waste of time that I barely remember it and mostly refuse to acknowledge
that I ever went. I didn’t learn a thing
except that I’m stupid.
It was a rocky path, but spending more and more time away
from my parents was the first step. At
Magic Mountain, I started to figure out I had my own identity. This may seem strange, but to me it was a
revelation. Believe it or not, I found
out I had a sense of humor. I learned
how to say things to make people laugh – I never had that before! I think I even got some people to genuinely
like me.
At age 26, I left home.
That’s late for most, but scary for me.
I still didn’t have my act together, but I moved in with someone who
gave a gentle push and helped me tremendously.
It’s too bad that became a relationship that would sour. I still had a ways to go.
Entering my 30’s found me angry and frustrated. I had become a bad person. I was convinced I had no future and was rude
and snarky to a lot of people. I had
become very unreliable. No one could count
on me as I only thought of myself.
Others my age were married and had children. I wanted that too but was clueless of how to
get there. I was jealous. My career at the time was computer retail
sales and I absolutely hated it. I was
such a loser!
In a dead end career, in a dead end situation, in a dead end
life, I suddenly decided to fix my life.
I can’t really explain what the moment was or if it was a moment, a day,
or even a year. With literally no
valuable skills, I developed some. I
mentioned earlier that I was a poor student.
I always hated classrooms and still do. For years, I had dabbled in how to use
computers for video and animation. It
helped me in selling this stuff. Why not
fully dive into it? I’m a good student
when I’m teaching myself and that I did.
I taught myself so well that in a very short time, my skills were
marketable. So marketable in fact, a
college hired me to be a part-time instructor.
I ended up teaching video editing and 3D animation in Hollywood for 2.5
years! I still can’t get over what an
amazing break that was. The school found
out one day that I lacked a college education that they had assumed I had and
they dismissed me.
It hardly mattered.
In my early 30’s, I found myself.
Nothing was going to stop me now!
All the self-doubt and low self-esteem I had all my life were replaced
by genuine drive and ambition. Within
just a few years, I made myself as a respected person in the legal industry and
even got married. Incidentally, this was
also the time I found out I was autistic.
I never knew or even suspected. I
always had just assumed something was just plain wrong with me.
It took me 30+ years to learn what Robert Wilson was capable
of. For me, life truly began at age 30. The Asperger’s never left, but it’s no longer
a mystery or an obstacle, it’s who I am.
I lost my wife to a series of strokes starting 6 years
ago. She’s alive, but she’s so
physically and mentally impaired that she is no longer the person I had
married. She’s now an obligation (I have
to feed, wash, and dress her). I am
essentially a widower. So I’m 60 with
parents who’ve both passed away years ago, a brother whom I haven’t spoken to
for years, very few friends, and there is a person who used to be my wife
living in my house. Yet, I never felt
lonely these past years. That has
changed. “Aspie’s” are used to being
alone. Even among friends, we are always
alone to a certain extent. Loneliness is
a fairly new experience for me. Why am I
suddenly lonely?
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