Tuesday, February 07, 2023

For My Eyes Only: Confessions of an Aspie

I turned 60 a couple of weeks ago.  I can definitively say that age has never been an issue with me.  Whether I was in my 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, and even 50’s, I never dwelled upon my age beyond just acknowledging to myself where I was in life.  All those birthdays came and went, and I have few memories of any of them.  I never even had a mid-life crisis.  People who know me know I’m down to Earth and logical, perhaps to a fault.

I’m having difficulty accepting that I’m 60.  I think I know why.

I’m writing this for myself.  I’m publishing this for personal reasons that I cannot disclose.  My legacy right now is primarily a few YouTube videos I’ve made.  I need to put something out there more personal and more personally meaningful.  I’m very healthy and strong.  I have no cancer, no heart issues, and all my body parts work.  I don’t plan on going anywhere for a long, long, time.  But when I do go, I know I won’t be remembered.

I swear that I’m not writing this to feel sorry for myself.

I’m autistic.  I’m not “Rain Man” but anybody who understands this and met me would realize I’m “somewhere on the spectrum” as they say.  Ten years ago or so, I would have been labeled as someone with Asperger’s Syndrome.  As I understand it, that term is being used less and less.  It’s not like I really keep up with this stuff, however.

What is it like having Asperger’s?  I’ve read and heard some explanations that never really satisfied me.  So I’ll give you mine.  As someone with Asperger’s, life occurs on the other side of a screen and I’m primarily an observer.   I only partially understand what’s going on the other side of the screen because my brain has problems processing information from my senses.  I see people interacting and it’s all a big mystery.  Blending in with and being part of a group of people is a natural thing for most human beings.  For me, it’s next to impossible because I can’t process new information on the fly.  I have to analyze everything before I can understand it.  Therefore, if I’m exposed, I’ll do everything to go back in front of the screen.  In other words, I tend to not play well with others and come across as shy and awkward.  People I knew or know may remember me for saying inappropriate things at inappropriate times.  There is an ever-growing list of people who used to be in my life whom I have alienated and will have nothing to do with me.  If I had any empathy, I’d actually care.

Ah empathy!  It’s often explained that people with Asperger’s lack it.  For the most part, that’s fairly accurate.  Viewing a sick child or injured animal will make most people sad, even if it’s not their child or pet.  That really doesn’t happen with me.  However, over the years, I’ve learned to “fake” it because I know I’m supposed to feel this way and will be scorned if I don’t.  Deep down, I really am a cold-hearted bastard!  Or am I?

If I lack empathy, why do I still mourn for a dog I lost 24 years ago?  Why does the memory of the vet inserting that injection into him haunt me to this day?  Why do I lie at night wondering where my brother is as he is one of the forementioned people whom I’ve alienated and is no longer in my life?

I’m getting better all the time, but Asperger’s will show its ugly head now and then, even at age 60.

I try not to and don’t often think of my childhood, but I’ll make an exception today.  I didn’t know why I was not like the other kids.  I had very few friends if any.  Most kids just saw me as that weird kid who kept to himself and was kind of dumb and klutzy.  There were few who could match me at math or could spell as well as me.  Yet I didn’t get good grades.  I never wanted to learn what the teacher was teaching.  My parents didn’t know what to do with me.  All they knew was that I “wasn’t applying myself”.  I got repeatedly berated and punished.  They made me feel worthless.

It got worse as a teenager.  I never partied.  I never dated.  I couldn’t even talk to girls.  I went through high school angry and scared because I was repeatedly reminded that my future relied on my schoolwork.  I was screaming on the inside, but no one heard me because there was nothing to hear.  

Going into my 20’s found me convinced I had no future and I was a worthless human being.  Those days in the early ‘80’s found me providing food services at Magic Mountain.  Rumor has it I went to college, but that was such a waste of time that I barely remember it and mostly refuse to acknowledge that I ever went.  I didn’t learn a thing except that I’m stupid.

It was a rocky path, but spending more and more time away from my parents was the first step.  At Magic Mountain, I started to figure out I had my own identity.  This may seem strange, but to me it was a revelation.  Believe it or not, I found out I had a sense of humor.  I learned how to say things to make people laugh – I never had that before!  I think I even got some people to genuinely like me.

At age 26, I left home.  That’s late for most, but scary for me.  I still didn’t have my act together, but I moved in with someone who gave a gentle push and helped me tremendously.  It’s too bad that became a relationship that would sour.  I still had a ways to go.

Entering my 30’s found me angry and frustrated.  I had become a bad person.  I was convinced I had no future and was rude and snarky to a lot of people.  I had become very unreliable.  No one could count on me as I only thought of myself.  Others my age were married and had children.  I wanted that too but was clueless of how to get there.  I was jealous.  My career at the time was computer retail sales and I absolutely hated it.  I was such a loser!

In a dead end career, in a dead end situation, in a dead end life, I suddenly decided to fix my life.  I can’t really explain what the moment was or if it was a moment, a day, or even a year.  With literally no valuable skills, I developed some.  I mentioned earlier that I was a poor student.  I always hated classrooms and still do.  For years, I had dabbled in how to use computers for video and animation.  It helped me in selling this stuff.  Why not fully dive into it?  I’m a good student when I’m teaching myself and that I did.  I taught myself so well that in a very short time, my skills were marketable.  So marketable in fact, a college hired me to be a part-time instructor.  I ended up teaching video editing and 3D animation in Hollywood for 2.5 years!  I still can’t get over what an amazing break that was.  The school found out one day that I lacked a college education that they had assumed I had and they dismissed me. 

It hardly mattered.  In my early 30’s, I found myself.  Nothing was going to stop me now!  All the self-doubt and low self-esteem I had all my life were replaced by genuine drive and ambition.  Within just a few years, I made myself as a respected person in the legal industry and even got married.  Incidentally, this was also the time I found out I was autistic.  I never knew or even suspected.  I always had just assumed something was just plain wrong with me.

It took me 30+ years to learn what Robert Wilson was capable of.  For me, life truly began at age 30.  The Asperger’s never left, but it’s no longer a mystery or an obstacle, it’s who I am. 

I lost my wife to a series of strokes starting 6 years ago.  She’s alive, but she’s so physically and mentally impaired that she is no longer the person I had married.  She’s now an obligation (I have to feed, wash, and dress her).  I am essentially a widower.  So I’m 60 with parents who’ve both passed away years ago, a brother whom I haven’t spoken to for years, very few friends, and there is a person who used to be my wife living in my house.  Yet, I never felt lonely these past years.  That has changed.  “Aspie’s” are used to being alone.  Even among friends, we are always alone to a certain extent.  Loneliness is a fairly new experience for me.  Why am I suddenly lonely?

...

No comments:

Post a Comment