Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Deal

Here's an offer from the Left of America that's been going around recently:

"Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ol' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.


Citizen of the Enlightened States of America"

Now, I'm a conservative who lives in California so it's a bit awkward to speak on behalf of the Red States but let me try.

I'll take the deal.  Hold on everybody on the Right.  Hear me out!

First of all, this proposal isn't entirely fair.  For example, the Blue States think they're entitled to having places like Yosemite.  Let me remind them that although Yosemite is in California, it's in the eastern - Red part of the state.  In fact, California, like most Blue states, is vastly Red geographically.  It would be a Red state if it weren't for the Los Angeles and San Francisco urban areas. 

Of course, Lex Luthor showed in Superman: The Movie that a few miles east of the west coast is "just hundreds and hundreds of miles of worthless desert land". 

I don't want to argue small details, I'll concede Yosemite.  After all, we get Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Glacier, and Great Smoky Mountain National Parks.  We also get New Orleans.  The current (mostly Democrat) residents are certainly welcome to stay there but they will have to switch ideologies.  Otherwise, you can have them.

I object to you referring to the south as "Slave States".  What century are you people living in?

By the way, condors have been introduced into the Grand Canyon.  There's another National Park we get.

"38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties"

You people believe that Hurricane Sandy was caused by humans contributing .0028% of the Earth's greenhouse gases.

Now, here's why I take the deal.

We get Alaska, Texas, Oklahoma and the Dakotas.  We get the oil.  Without the hysterics in our midst, we will build enough refineries and have cheap gasoline.  We'll be happy to sell you some but it's going to cost you.

We'll have lots of open space for wind and solar power too.  We're not against this, we just object to the government "investing" in these technologies.  If there's jobs and profit to be made, we'll do it - and not burden the taxpayers.

We'll be very business-friendly.  Businesses large and small are welcome.  Were not big on unions, so our companies will be competitive.  You'll have Ford, GM, Chrysler, and Honda.  We'll have Mercedes, BMW, Toyota, and Nissan.

"We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs."

Do you really think they'll stay with you?  You're going to want to significantly tax these people.  We're the ones who will actually be "fair".  Everyone will pay the same flat tax rate.  These entrepreneurs are going to be mostly Republicans anyways.  They're going to want to come to us.  How are you going to stop them from leaving?  Maybe, you will build a wall?

Anybody who wants to leave the Red States certainly may.  We won't stop them.  These will most likely be the people who don't work and scam welfare benefits.  They won't like living in the Red States.  They can be your burden, not ours.

Like any new nation, we'll have our share of problems.  Since no one will be on welfare, we'll all have a stake in making this work.  We'll find solutions.  Your economy will tank as your bluetopia* cannot possibly work. 

We believe in a strong military.  It will be a major priority.  Who's going to defend you?

In ten years or so, our nation will be going strong.  Your's will resemble Greece.

When that happens, we'll invade and the hippies and drug-addicts (you know, the ones abusing that "good weed") that will comprise a significant percentage of your nation will be unable to do anything about it. 

We'll re-instate the Constitution and get our country back.

We win.

*bluetopia (def.):  A community or group of communities where all workers make a comfortable "living wage" performing services - depending on their abilities, for the rest of the community.  Children of all races grow up in a harmonious, pollution-free environment with no violence, no crime, and therefore, no guns.  All conflicts are handled within and outside of the community with compassion and diplomacy.  Businesses don't compete with each other.  They just have set, "fair", pricing so anybody and everybody can afford anything.  All profits are re-distributed evenly back to the community. 

-From the Department of Alternate Universes (it would be a very boring place to live, anyways)

Monday, November 05, 2012

The Choice

Today is one day before Election Day, November 6, 2012.  I'm sure everyone living in a swing state will appreciate this as it should mean the end of incessant ads on TV, radio, phone calls, and mailers.  As many (including the candidates, themselves) have said, the choices are clear regarding how you vote for President.

Here is my perspective of what those choices are:

Obama will continue to push expansion of the federal government.  Obama will continually push programs that make decisions for us regarding what and how we should eat, who handles our health care, how and by what means we commute, and how our children should be educated.

Obama believes that the way to solve unemployment is for the government to hire workers to fix and update America's infrastructure.  He will push more stimulus and increase corporate taxes to try to pay for it.  The taxes won't be able to so the deficit and debt will grow.

Obama will not significantly improve the economy.  At best it will stabilize at its current state - leaving 23+ million unemployed.  Obama is not interested in improving the economy at the expense of his other priorities.

Obama will blame the increased deficit and debt on these same corporations and fault them for not agreeing with his "vision". 

Obama wants to severely diminish large and small business in this country.  He wants nationally-run corporations.

Obama will dismiss complaints about high gas prices and high inflation and suggest that this is because we need to embrace "green" technologies.  He will use the bad economy to promote his agenda of taking down the oil companies.  (May I remind you that oil companies hire millions of Americans including geologists, chemists, and other high-end professions.)

Obama will do nothing to alleviate racial tensions in America.  Obama thrives on perpetuating the belief that his opponents are racists.  It gives him a convenient scapegoat whenever he doesn't get his way or if someone disagrees with him.

Obama will continue to allow the U.N. to have more control and diminish America's role in the world.  It is possible that he will allow the U.N. to set policies and laws for United States citizens.

Obama will leave alone any kind of immigration reform as it is too controversial.  Otherwise, he'd have done it the first two years he was in office.

Obama will continue to defend "The Affordable Healthcare Act" and tell you the thousands of dollars more you are paying is not a tax and less than you would have paid if the evil insurance companies had their way.

Romney will bring years of upper-management experience and apply them.  He will start with national energy production and create a significant number of private sector jobs.

Romney's plan of adding private sector jobs will lower unemployment enough to increase the tax revenues needed to start dealing with the deficit and debt.  It will take years to turn this around, though but at least, Romney will address this seriously.

Romney will take a harder line in foreign relations.  Romney believes in "Peace through strength" as opposed to "strength through peace".

Romney, despite what his detractors say, will leave social issues alone for the most part.  He's not some religious-right evangelist as some seem to want to portray him.

The above is in a nutshell, my perspective.  My economic arguments are based on Obama's record and the pitiful GDP numbers we've gotten and the non-improving unemployment rate.  My foreign policy arguments are based on how Obama's handled Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt, Iran, Russia, and of course, Libya. 

I've heard others stating diametric beliefs.  Let me share a few.
  • Romney is a George W. Bush clone.
  • Romney will take command of your "female parts"
  • Romney will put you all in "chains".
  • Romney will put us all in the fields "picking crops".
There are almost no pro-Obama arguments, only anti-Romney arguments.  The only pro-Obama argument I sometimes hear is that the economy is improving and to stick with him.  The economy has shown a sliver of improvement in the past month.  Do you really believe this will continue with the way Obama is?