Blanc or Noir? An Analysis of the film Sideways

(Here's another film analysis.  It's best if you've already seen the film Sideways.)

(Since the Youtube embedded links don't seem to always work, I've now included links to the youtube site, itself.")

Blanc or Noir? A Sideways Film Analysis (Youtube Movie) 

Blanc or Noir? An Analysis of the Movie Sideways

Introduction

Alexander Payne has directed a number of movies and they each have some common general themes.  The one I see the most is that they all seem to involve very ordinary people in common situations.  In other words, Payne’s movies are not about grand events or people doing something extraordinary.  Take his first major movie – Citizen Ruth.  Here, we have a low-life, drug addicted, female lead who somehow finds herself to be the focal point of the abortion controversy.  Never at any time, does Ruth do anything remotely heroic, yet she is the protagonist.  Election makes an ordinary high school presidential election way too big a deal for most of the characters.  Every character in Election has noticeable flaws, and none of these people are particularly likeable.  About Schmidt is exactly what the title says.  It’s about a retiring man who’s dealing with the sudden realization that he’s led a very ordinary - one could say meaningless, life.  The Descendants takes place in exotic Hawaii, but the main character points out that even on a tropical island, people have the same issues and have to deal with the same problems as everybody else.  Nebraska, like Citizen Ruth, Election, and About Schmidt, takes place in Payne’s home state of Nebraska.  It features a somewhat demented, elderly man on a quest to Lincoln, Nebraska believing he won a million dollars with a son not sure whether he should stop him or humor him.

                                                          Other Alexander Payne Films

Now, let’s move on to Sideways.  It came out in 2004 after About Schmidt and before The Descendants.  It stars Paul Giamatti as Miles, Thomas Haden Church as Jack, Virginia Madsen as Maya, and Sandra Oh as Stephanie.  Sideways follows the exploits of two male friends approaching middle age taking a trip to a wine-producing region of Southern California.  Miles is a middle school English teacher while Jack is a low-grade actor who once had a role in a soap opera and now does voice-over work when he can get it.  Of course, with this being an Alexander Payne movie, when I say “exploits”, don’t expect anything completely zany or unpredictable.  Miles and Jack fit the Payne archetype of “ordinary people” doing a fairly common thing in taking a week-long trek together.  Incidentally, the purpose of the trip on the surface is to celebrate one last week of Jack’s bachelorhood as he is getting married the upcoming Saturday.  Also, Miles is trying to get a novel published and will likely get an answer from his agent this same week.

Miles

Jack

So we might believe this is going to be a road trip movie – following the adventures and misadventures of our protagonists.  We probably anticipate a romance and some comedic action or perhaps, it will be a more introspective “journey within the journey” movie where the characters learn about themselves and become better people in the end.

Miles Can Seem Confused

Well, it’s both all of these things but ultimately none of them.  That’s the problem that I believe many viewers had when they saw the movie the first time.  Many, I believe, went in with fixed expectations and were ultimately disappointed.  Perhaps for those of you, this review may get you to watch the movie again.  I am going to explore the aspects that make it so unusual.  This analysis is not for those who have not seen the movie.  Understand that this is strictly about the movie and not the novel by Rex Pickett.

We Don’t Like the Main Characters

Sideways wastes no time in getting us to dislike the main characters.  Miles wakes up - apparently hung over.  We later learn that he had come home late that evening from a wine tasting so when we see his car practically touching the bumper of the car in front of him, we might think he drove home under the influence and parked poorly.  Miles then proceeds to re-park his car right behind another vehicle indicating he’s just a very inconsiderate person, intoxicated or not.  He then lies to Jack on the phone saying he’s already on the road.  Miles is obviously behind schedule but appears to be in little hurry.  Perhaps he’s not really that enthused about going on the road with Jack.  Once he’s finally on the road, he’s doing the New York Times crossword puzzle while driving.

Very Inconsiderate Parking

The first time we see Jack, he is obviously irritated that Miles is late.  Jack is seen relaxing with his fiancé and his future in-laws.  As soon as Miles shows up, Jack wants to leave.  Apparently, spending time with his family to be is not a pleasant thing for him.  This happens again later when Jack prefers leaving a message for his fiancé instead of actually talking to her.

Now that Miles and Jack are together, we like them even less.  Jack, despite Miles objections, opens a bottle of champagne while Miles is driving.  Miles’ objection wasn’t too strong, apparently, as he willingly and openly drinks the champagne while driving.  Jack then proceeds to lie to Miles about reading the latest revision of his novel.

"That's tasty."

Miles suddenly swerves over to an exit in Oxnard and explains to Jack that he wants to see his mother as it is her birthday.  This is a lie as well as Miles has an ulterior motive.  He’s there to fund the trip by stealing cash from his mother.  Note that the mother’s apartment complex looks a lot like Miles’ San Diego apartment.  In fact, both stairways resemble wine bottle openers.  This symbolizes that Miles is a “mama’s boy”.  Note that as his mother’s dresser shows, she’s on medications. It is revealed shortly after that Miles is also taking multiple medications for his depression. The whole visit is a charade of Miles pretending to be interested in what his mother has to say and when the opportunity comes, he and Jack sneak away even though his mother wanted to spend more time with them.

Miles' Apartment in San Diego

Miles’ Mother’s Apartment

See the Resemblance?

We next learn that Jack is a womanizer.  He sees the trip as a way to get women for himself and Miles.  Oddly, Miles, who is single, doesn’t seem interested.  Remember, Jack is getting married at the end of the week?

Oh, and Miles always seems to be in a funk.  He is not a happy person and always seems to be irritated with Jack.  He commonly uses sarcasm.  He’s a boozer and is on medications that he gets from his therapist. 

We are now about 18 minutes into the movie and for 18 minutes, we’ve been given reason after reason to dislike Miles and Jack.

Miles and Jack are Very Different People

There is one scene that brilliantly shows the differences between Miles and Jack.  It’s at the first winery they visit where Miles carefully explains the procedures to taste and evaluate wine properly. 

Miles: “Let me show you how this is done.  First thing, hold the glass up and examine the wine against the light. You’re looking for color and clarity.  Just get a sense of it, okay - Thick, thin, watery, syrupy?  Okay? “

Jack: “Okay.”

Miles: “Now, tip it.  What you’re doing here is checking for color densities, it thins out towards the rim.  Now that’s going to tell you how old it is among other things, it’s usually more important with reds.  Okay? “

Jack: “Okay.”

Miles: “Stick your nose in it.  Don’t be shy – really get your nose right in there.”  (Sniffs) “A little citrus, maybe some strawberry, passion fruit, and…, oh, there’s just like the faintest soupçon of just like asparagus and there’s just a flutter of like a nutty Edam cheese.”

Jack: “Wow!  Strawberries, yeah."

Miles: "Good."

Jack: "Strawberries."

Miles: "Yeah!"

Jack: "Not the cheese."

Miles: "Put your glass down.  Get some, get some air into it.  Oxygenating it opens it up.  It unlocks the aromas, the flavors - very important.  Smell again.  Ah, that's what you do with every one of them."

Jack: "Wow!  When do we drink it?"

Miles: "Now."

Jack: "Mmmm, ahhh."

…

Miles: “Are you chewing gum?”



Proper Wine-Tasting Procedure

Wine-tasting is something Miles is passionate about.  He is meticulous and obviously quite knowledgeable.  This demonstrates that Miles is a complex person.  He has layers of pent up emotions that will briefly come out at key times in the movie.  Jack is the complete opposite.  He goes along with Miles about the wine-tasting but clearly has no real interest in it.  He always likes every wine he tastes yet is never descriptive about it like Miles.  That is Jack in a nutshell, he is simplicity and compliance.  This scene is repeated several times where Miles carefully analyzes the wine he tastes, Jack gulps it down and accepts it for what it is.

When it comes to women, it’s the same thing.  Jack will go after just about any woman he sees while Miles is much more discriminating.


The First (but not the last) Waitress to Catch Jack's Eye

When Miles and Jack are having lunch on Sunday, it becomes very clear that the two have very different ideas on what’s going to happen on the road trip.

Jack: “You need to get laid, Miles.  You know what?  That’s going to be my best man gift to you this week.  I’m going to get you laid.”

Miles: (Sarcastically) “Wonderful!”

…

Miles: “This week is not about me.  It’s about you.  I’m going to show you a good time.  We’re going to drink a lot of good wine, play some golf.  We’re going to eat some great food, enjoy the scenery, and we’re going to send you off in style old friend.”

Jack: “And get your bone smooched.”

The conversation basically picks up where it left off Monday at breakfast.

Jack: “What’s the plan for today, Miles?”

Miles: “Ah, good, we head up north – begin the grape tour up there, uh, work our way south.  The more we drink, the closer we get to the motel.”  (Jack gives a sarcastic thumbs up.)  “What’s your problem?  What is it?”


"Whatever you say."

Jack: “I’m going to get mine up on this trip, Miles and you are not going to fuck it up for me with all your depression and anxiety and egghead downer shit.”

Miles: “Oh, ho, ho… well, now the cards are on the table.”

Jack: “Yes they are.  And I am serious.  Do not fuck with me Miles.  I’m going to get laid before I get married on Saturday.  Do you read me?”

Miles:  “Sure, big guy, absolutely. Loud and clear, whatever you say.”

Wines Representing the Characters

Even for those who don’t look for symbolism in movies, there is one that is quite obvious. Miles and Jack, as well as the two women characters are represented by a type of wine.  For Miles, this is shown first when he describes Pinot Noir to Jack.

Miles: “Pinot is a very thin-skinned grape.  It doesn’t like constant heat or humidity – very delicate.”



Driving Through "Pinot" Country

Pinot Noir is clearly a metaphor for Miles’ personality.  Miles shows how thin-skinned he is.  He can easily go into a bad state of mind with seemingly very little prodding such as when Jack tells him that his wife re-married or when the publisher turns down his book.  Miles gets even more descriptive about Pinot on the porch with Maya, thus, revealing more about himself.

Miles’ Not So Good Moments

Miles: “It’s a hard grape to grow as you know, right?  It’s thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early.  It’s not a survivor like Cabernet – which can just grow anywhere and thrive even when it’s neglected.  No, Pinot needs constant care and attention.  In fact, it can only grow in these really specific little tucked away corners of the world – and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it really.  Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot’s potential can then coax it into its fullest expression.  Oh, its flavors!  They’re just the most haunting and brilliant, thrilling, and subtle – ancient on the planet.”

Miles - The Pinot Noir Describing Himself

We know Miles is a want-to-be writer and it’s interesting how even in casual conversation, he is quite poetic and descriptive.  Note too, that Maya’s response is equally profound – suggesting she is a good match for Miles.

This little speech not only indicates Miles’ complexity, he is also admitting he can be a great writer and a better person if he ever met the right woman.  His ex-wife clearly wasn’t that person as that relationship put Miles into a depression.  Here, Miles is metaphorically wondering if Maya would be that right person who can nurture and coax him to his fullest.

The speech also refers to Cabernet or more specifically, Cabernet Sauvignon.  Guess who that is?  Jack seems to be able to adapt anywhere and in any situation.  He can act, do voice-over work, is willing to learn his future father in-law’s profession.  He even, at one point, considers becoming a grape farmer.  He likes every wine he tastes and every woman he sees.  Whatever the situation is, he’ll adapt.  He is the survivor that Miles is talking about. 

Going back to Maya, Maya appears very interested in Miles.  Perhaps, she is that right person that Miles so badly needs.  She is after all, studying horticulture.  That’s a very nurturing profession.  The restaurant she works at is named “The Hitching Post” so that’s probably a clue as well.  This question is essentially answered before the porch scene when they discuss a certain wine that Miles owns.


Maya - The 1961 Cheval Blanc

Miles: “I’ve got things that I’m saving definitely.  I guess that the star would be a 1961 Cheval Blanc.”

Maya: “You’ve got a ’61 Cheval Blanc and it’s just sitting there?”
Miles: “Yes, I do.”
Maya: “Go get it!  I’m serious, hurry!  I mean I think the ‘61’s are peaking right now, aren’t they?  At least, that’s what I’ve read.”
Miles: “Well, that’s right, yeah.”
Maya: “It might be too late, already, what are you waiting for?”

"Go get it!"

Maya is that 1961 Cheval Blanc.  Maya is played by Virginia Madsen and can you guess what year she was born?  She is metaphorically telling Miles that she’s the one for him and she’s ready now. 

Virginia Madsen's IMDB Page

Stephanie is Cabernet Franc.  Listen to how Miles describes the wine.

Miles: “Well, I will tell you something.  I’ve never come to expect greatness from a Cab Franc and this one is no different.  It’s kind of a hollow, flabby, over-ripe…”
Jack: “I don’t know.  It tastes pretty good to me.”

Stephanie, while not dumb, is rather shallow and doesn’t possess the qualities Miles needs.  However, she’s just fine for Jack.


Stephanie - The Cabernet Franc

To sum up, Miles is Pinot Noir – complex, needy, but full of potential.  Jack is Cabernet Sauvignon – straightforward and agreeable to anything or any situation.  Stephanie is Cabernet Franc – likeable but nothing special.  Finally, Maya is the 1961 Cheval Blanc, a rare and very special wine.

Now we know the characters.  We’ll dig a little deeper.

A Geography Lesson

Actually, before we go into the story more, let me give a brief geography lesson for those who aren’t familiar with California and its wine-producing regions.

The story starts out in San Diego where Miles drives north to West Los Angeles to meet up with Jack, approximately 130 miles.  Jack and Miles stop in Oxnard where Miles’ mother lives.  The next day, they drive to Buellton where they stay the week.

The 130 Mile Trip from San Diego to West Los Angeles where Jack's Fiancé Lives

It’s 360 Miles from Buellton to Napa

Buellton is in what is known as the Santa Barbara County Coastal Wine Region.  Note that it is approximately 360 miles south of the more well-known Napa and Sonoma Valleys.  Just thought I’d clear that up as I often see reviews and discussions about Sideways and many seem to think that Miles and Jack are in Napa or Sonoma.  Nope.

The Light and the Dark

Kristina: “So, which one do you like better?”

Miles: “Oh, I like them both, but if pressed, I would have to say that I prefer the dark.”

The Big Choice

Miles is in a state of conflict.  He can’t quite decide for sure if he prefers “the light” or “the dark”, but believes he prefers “the dark”.  His depression over his divorce has put him in a dark state of mind so he seems to be on edge throughout most of the movie.    Incidentally, his ex-wife Victoria is a brunette and serves as a symbol of “the dark” which makes Miles’ new love interest, Maya, a blonde, a symbol of “the light”.  

Miles: “She’s a fucking waitress in Buellton, Jack.  How is that ever going to work out?”

However, Miles does not yet realize that he really prefers “the light” and he shows almost no interest in Maya when he first sees her as a waitress wearing white.  However, later that evening, when she is in black and smoking a cigarette, Miles invites her over to sit with him and Jack. 

                   Maya in White – Miles is not Interested

Maya Showing Her “Dark Side” – Suddenly, Miles Shows Interest

Jack: “Just try to be your normal, humorous self, okay?  The guy you were before the tailspin.  Do you remember that guy?  People loved that guy.”

…

Jack: “Come here, Miles.  Do not sabotage me.  If you want to be a fucking lightweight then that’s your call but do not sabotage me.”

Miles: “Aye, aye, Captain, you got it.”

Jack: “If they want to drink Merlot, we’re drinking Merlot.”

Miles: “No, if anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am not drinking ANY FUCKING MERLOT!”

…

Jack: “Do not drink too much. Do you hear me? I don’t want you passing out or going to the dark side. NO GOING TO THE DARK SIDE!”

A Little Chat Before the Big Date

At first, Pinot Noir is the only red wine that Miles seems to like.  He brushed off the Cabernet Franc he got from Stephanie.  He dismisses Cabernet Sauvignon.  Obviously, he has real issues with Merlot.  We know that Stephanie is represented by Cab Franc and Jack, the Cabernet Sauvignon.  So actually, Miles’ love of Pinot Noir shows his self-indulgent side.  However, Miles really likes the Sauvignon Blanc that Maya is drinking and he admitted earlier that he likes white wines as well as reds.

Jack: “I thought you hated Chardonnay.”

Miles: “No, no, no, I like all varietals. I just don’t generally like the way they manipulate Chardonnay in California – too much oak and secondary malolactic fermentation.”

“I like all varietals.”

This might be a stretch but I think you can interpret that little comment as a knock on California blondes being manipulative and artificial.  Then again, maybe it’s not such a stretch when you consider Stephanie’s boorish, chain-smoking blonde mother Carol at the bowling alley.

Carol – The California Chardonnay

Notice how Miles seems to be in good spirits early on in the date when he is drinking the white Fiddlehead Sauvignon Blanc.  Notice how his mood darkens again when the wine changes to Pinot Noir. In drinking Pinot, he is being self-indulgent and he ends up calling Victoria.  Calling his ex-wife is only going to make him feel sorry for himself, but that’s where Miles is at this point.

Miles in Light Spirits Drinking Sauvignon Blanc

A Lot of Pinot Noir was Drunk that Night

Miles Going to the “Dark Side”

What is with Miles and Merlot?  Merlot is a dark red wine so why would Miles object to it so strongly?  Just like Miles, Jack, Maya, Stephanie, and Carol, Victoria is represented by a wine and that wine is Merlot.

Victoria – The Merlot

Now, let’s look at Maya.  She’s a Cheval Blanc and looking at Wikipedia, we can see that Cheval Blanc is a mixture of primarily Cabernet Franc and Merlot.  These two wines are commonly used for blending. They are also represented by Stephanie and Victoria respectively meaning they don’t stand out like, say, a Cheval Blanc would. 

From Wikipedia’s “Chateau Cheval Blanc” Page

So basically, Maya has traits of Stephanie, the Cabernet Franc and Victoria, the Merlot but with the “dark side” removed.  I told you she was special.  

Miles drives a red Saab.  This is not a particularly common vehicle one sees on the road so it’s notable when you see a second black one in the background when Jack first brings up how he wants to get Miles laid.  If you look carefully, you’ll see a man and a woman getting out of it.  It’s like some dark reflection of Miles and Victoria had they stayed together.

The Black Saab

The whole road trip is marked by titles stating what day of the week it is.  The first one we see is Saturday, the day the trip began and the last one is the following Saturday, the day of Jack’s wedding.  Note how every title has a black background except for Thursday, the morning Miles woke up with Maya.  This is the one day of the trip that began with Miles not in a depressed or “dark” state of mind.  Of course, things go awry that day and we’re back to the black background the following Friday.

 Thursday was a Special Day

Father and Son

Maya: “So what’s your novel about?”

Miles: “Oh brother … well, it’s difficult to summarize.  It starts out as kind of a first person narrative about a guy taking care of his father after a stroke.  It’s kind of based on a personal experience but only loosely.”

Maya: “What’s the title?”

Miles: “The Day After Yesterday.”

Maya: “Oh, you mean today?”

Miles: “Um…yeah…I mean, right.”

Maya: “So, it’s about, like death and mortality or…”

Miles: “Yeah.  No, not really.  It jumps around a lot, that’s what it’s about.  You start to see everything from the point of view of the father and a lot of other things happen – parallel narratives, kind of a mess.  And, then eventually, the whole thing sort of evolves, or devolves into this sort of a Robbe-Grillet mystery, you know?   With no real resolution.”

Maya: “Wow!”

Miles Describing His Novel

If you forget the “father” part, Miles’ description of his novel can also describe the whole movie Sideways.  Note the title – “The Day after Yesterday”, which, as Maya concludes, is a roundabout way of saying “today”.  This hints that his novel ends up where it started.  Note the title and the story Sideways is this as well.  The week Miles is spending with Jack is imitating what Miles went through in his novel.  I’ll discuss the ending later.  So if the movie is structured like Miles’ novel, where does the father figure fit in?

Let’s also consider what was said by Maya about the novel after she read it.

Maya: “There are so many beautiful and painful things about it.  Did you really go through all that?  It must have been awful.”

So Miles, apparently, went through a painful experience dealing with his father.  In the movie, it is Jack who is the father character.  Here are some examples.  Jack, at first, is trying to wean Miles out of his depression like a father dealing with a troubled son.  Jack wants to find a woman for Miles.  Miles runs away when he couldn’t deal with his wife re-marrying and Jack, like a father, chases after him and consoles him.  Jack scolds Miles as if he were a naughty child during the “No going to the dark side” scene.  Jack pushes the wine bottle away from Miles when he knew Miles had too much to drink.  Jack continually is upbeat about Miles’ novel and tries to keep Miles optimistic about it. Jack defends Miles at the golf course.  There’s even a scene that spells out this whole idea.

Jack: “There’s my boy!  There he is, but who’s your daddy?  Who is your daddy?  Oh, ho, ho, - oh, let me love you.  I am so proud of you.”

“Who’s Your Daddy?”

Jack’s unadvised relationship with Stephanie is akin to the stroke Miles’ father had.  Suddenly, Miles is reluctantly forced to look after Jack like a son suddenly forced to take care of a sick or addicted parent.  It’s awkward!  Miles is clearly uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Miles: “What the fuck are you doing?”

Jack: “What?”

Miles: “…With this chick?”

Jack: “Why?”

Miles: “Does she know about Saturday?”

Jack: “Not exactly.  I’ve been honest with her.  I haven’t told her I’m available and she knows this trip is only for a few days.  Besides, I just…”

Miles:  “Besides what?”

Jack:  “Well, you know, it’s just, the wedding?”

Miles: “ What?”

Jack: “I, uh , I’ve just been doing some thinking about it.”

Miles: “Oh, you’ve been thinking?  And...?”

Jack: “I might have to put the wedding on hold is all.  Look, I know that can be tricky for certain people to accept at first, all right?  But life is short, Miles.  I have to be sure I’m doing the right thing before taking such a big step, and you know what?  That’s not just for my sake.  I’m looking out for Christine’s feelings too.”

Jack – The Cabernet Sauvignon

Jack is doing wrong.  He knows he is doing wrong, and is doing it nevertheless.  He is like a boozing father.  He rationalizes his wrongdoings, just like, perhaps, an alcoholic rationalizing that his drinking isn’t hurting anybody.  Miles can only helplessly sit and watch Jack mess things up.  He, as the son figure, has no control or even much influence on the father figure.

Miles, like a dutiful son, helps Jack and bails him out of trouble – several times.  Miles even sacrifices his car so that Jack can look good to his fiancé and his in-laws to be.

Addiction

There is also a theme of addiction in the movie.  Miles continually gets drunk and takes all sorts of medications to treat his depression. 

Gary: “What can I get you?”

Miles: “Highliner.”

Also, note how when Miles couldn’t find Maya at the Hitching Post, he drinks her drink – Highliner.  I guess the wine is to compensate for lack of female companionship.

Jack has an addiction, too.  He’s addicted to women.  Like an addict, he rationalizes about it.  Like an addict, it continually gets him into trouble.

Jack: “Listen, man.  You’re my friend and I know you care about me and I know you disapprove and I respect that.  But there are some things that I have to do that you don’t understand.  You understand literature, movies, wine, but you don’t understand my plight.”

...

Jack: “Look, I know I fucked up, okay?  I know I fucked up.  But, you got to help me.  You got to help me, Miles.  Please!  Please!  I can’t lose Christine, Miles.  I can’t.  I can’t lose Christine.  I know I fucked up.  I know I did a bad thing, alright?  And I know I’m a bad person.  I know I am.  But you got to help me.  You have to help me Miles, okay?  Tell me you’ll help me.  If I lose Christine, I, I, I’m nothing."

“You got to help me, Miles.”

Restaurants

The movie is full of restaurants.  The quality of the restaurant follows the general mood of the movie.  The first one is a plain, ordinary, coffee shop before there’s any drama.  Maya works in a very nice restaurant and that’s when things pick up.  The quartet of characters eats together in a fine dining restaurant.  This and the romantic sunset picnic represent the good times.  When Miles is alone, he sulks in a coffee shop.  Worse is at the bowling alley with Miles in a funk and having to contend with Jack’s shenanigans and crass Carol.  When things go bad near the end, Miles and Jack are in a tacky western-themed restaurant.  Finally, when Miles is alone and depressed at the end, he’s in a cheap fast-food restaurant.

Starting Out at a Coffee Shop

Seeing Maya at the Hitching Post

Coffee Shop Again

A Fine Dining Establishment with a lot of Wine

Alone in Another Coffee Shop

Low-Class Eating at the Bowling Alley

A Romantic Picnic

The Western-Themed Restaurant

Fast Food

Frass Canyon

“Frass” is defined as “Debris or excrement produced by insects.”  There’s a foreboding image as Miles and Jack drive up to the Frass Canyon Winery.  The camera angle makes it appear as though a man is urinating wine into a truck.  Miles doesn’t want to be there and this is where things really go badly for him.  He’s already lost Maya and knows Stephanie is going to be through with Jack.  He learns that his novel will not be published which really pushes him over the edge.

The “Bug Excrement” Winery

Miles: “Half my life is over and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing!  I'm a thumbprint on the window of a skyscraper. I'm a smudge of excrement on a tissue surging out to sea with a million tons of raw sewage. “

Jack: “See?  Right there.  Just what you just said. That is beautiful.  'A smudge of excrement... surging out to sea.'”

Miles: “Yeah.”

Jack: “I could never write that.”

Miles: “Neither could I, actually. I think it is Bukowski.”

No, I think Miles was inspired by the Frass Canyon locale to come up with the “smudge of excrement” remark.

“I’m a smudge of excrement…”

 The Ending

As I mentioned earlier, “Sideways” ends where it begins.  Nothing has moved forward so thus, the title.  Jack is back in Los Angeles with his new bride.  Miles is back in San Diego teaching English.  It’s obvious that Jack is still the womanizer and the beating he got from Stephanie and the near disaster he had with the waitress did nothing to deter him.  He’ll be cheating on his wife within a month.  Miles goes back into his depression of a life – further spurred by the news that his ex-wife is now pregnant.  How pathetic!  He is drinking his prized Cheval Blanc from a styrofoam cup at a fast food restaurant.

1961 Cheval Blanc in a Styrofoam Cup

Maya (from the voice-mail): “And the sister character, geez!  What a wreck!  But I have to say that, well, I was really confused by the ending – I mean… Did the father finally commit suicide or what?  It’s driving me crazy.”

Maya finds the end of Miles’ novel ambiguous.  Sideways ends this way as well.  Earlier, Maya had warned Miles that it might be too late to drink his 1961 Cheval Blanc.  So is it too late?  It’s probably not important whether or not Miles ends up with Maya and ends his depression, although most viewers would probably prefer to think that.  What is important is that Miles made a decision.  He’s finally willing to try.

Notes Concerning the Partial Government Shutdown

There seems to be a lot of mythology concerning what's happening in Washington now.  Let's get a few things straight.

The Senate and the President could work with the House.  They won’t so they’re as stubborn as the Congress.  Although the Senate and the President approved on paying members of the military, they refuse to pass the multiple bills proposed by the House to fund many of the government programs and services that are so dearly beloved by the Democrats.  These bills have nothing to do with ObamaCare, yet these same Democrats tell us how terrible it is that this stuff isn’t funded.

The Democrats want this partial shutdown.  They believe they can use it to convince Americans that Republicans are taking stuff away from them.  They are actively trying to make us unhappy by shutting down monuments and historic sites that require more funding and effort to shut down than to just leave them be.  They are actively preventing commercial fishing boats from fishing.  Again, it costs more and requires more effort to do this, but Democrats think it’s worth it because they believe they can blame these dastardly deeds on Republicans.  As long as they believe they can pull a fast one on the American public, they will be perfectly happy to continue the partial shutdown and tell us how terrible it is.

If you are thinking ObamaCare is some kind of government-run socialized medicine program similar to Canada’s or England’s, think again.  Understand that I would be against such a thing as well, but that’s not what ObamaCare is.  ObamaCare is a sweet deal made between the U.S. Government with health insurance companies.  By forcing people to buy insurance – especially young people who commonly wouldn’t buy it, the healthcare industry gets more customers.  The government, in return, gets more control, power, and funding.  This is great for the healthcare executives and the Washington politicians.  It screws the majority of Americans in raising rates and cutting services and access to doctors.

A vast majority of doctors are against ObamaCare.  It will mean less pay for them and more for administrators.  It also means they will spend less time with each patient.  This is causing and will further cause doctor shortages.  It just isn’t worth going through years and years of schooling, going deeply into debt, only to end up making the same salary as some government bureaucrat.  The number of applicants for medical schools around the country is going down.  The would-be doctors of the world are going to law schools instead where the number of applicants is going up fast.  The government hasn’t figured out how to screw lawyers yet.  This is probably because most politicians are lawyers.  Incidentally, the doctors who support ObamaCare tend to be the ones staffed by hospitals.  It doesn’t affect them so much.

ObamaCare is cake – as in “Let them eat cake”.  Politicians don’t want it.  Anybody who has any political clout is lobbying to be exempt from it.  Nancy Pelosi keeps telling us how wonderful it is but wouldn’t dare have it for herself or her family.  The rest of the Left keep reminding us that ObamaCare is LAW.  Well if it is LAW, then Congress and everyone else in Washington is under the LAW as well.  That’s how America works.

I am paying twice as much for my healthcare policy as I did a year ago.  My premium is supposed to go up even more next year.  I’ve also lost my doctor whom I had for over 10 years.  He wants no part of ObamaCare.  My situation is the norm, not the exception.  Years ago, Barack Obama promised my rates would go down and I would be able to keep my doctor.  Did Barack Obama lie or did he badly miscalculate?  How much have your rates risen?

A Different Game

Once upon a time, someone invented a sport called "soccer" or "football".  The game obviously appealed to a lot of people as it has been very popular from then to this day.  It is in fact, the world's most popular sport.  How popular is it?  It is so popular that it has been re-invented many, many times.

The rules are pretty straightforward.  Start with a rectangular-shaped grass field and put goals on each end and basically, two teams kick, pass, and shoot a ball and try to get the ball into the defended goal on the opponent's side of the field.  With the exception of the player defending the goal (the goalie), the players play both offense and defense simultaneously.  The game is played for a given time limit. There are a few rules such as not using hands and not kicking the ball outside of the rectangular arena.  That's more or less, the game of soccer.  It's simple enough where a thing or two can be changed and a brand new game can be invented.

For example, instead of kicking a ball, have the players use sticks to strike the ball.  Now you have field hockey.  Field hockey is essentially soccer.

If the players use nets, you have lacrosse.  Lacrosse is essentially soccer.

Now replace the grass field with an ice rink and use a rubber disk instead of a ball.  Now you have ice-hockey.  Ice hockey is essentially soccer.

Okay, replace the ice with a hardwood floor.  Change the angle of the goal from horizontal to vertical and you have basketball.  Basketball is essentially soccer.

Put the grass field back and now have the players ride horses and hit a ball with a stick and you have polo.  Polo is essentially soccer.

Instead of having continuous motion, have set scrimmages and allow players to run with or throw an elongated ball forward.  Now you have American football.  American football is essentially soccer.

Instead of putting an object into a goal at the end of the rectangle, let's just make the rule where the object just has to be struck to the opposing side where the opponent can't hit it back.  Now, we have a whole slew of new sports.

Play that way with your hands and you have volleyball.  Volleyball is essentially soccer.

Play volleyball in the water and you have water polo.  Water polo is essentially soccer.

Go back to a hard surface and strike the ball with a tightly netted paddle and you've got tennis.  Tennis is essentially soccer.  For that matter, so is badminton.

Shrink the rectangle and raise it up as a table and you have table tennis or ping pong.  Table tennis is essentially soccer.

Now, cut the rectangular arena in half, put a wall on one end and have opposing players on the same side of the wall.  You have racquetball and handball.  Racquetball and handball are essentially soccer.

Here's a bit of a stretch but bear with me.  Take the rectangular arena and spin it round.  Instead of a net, have just a pole with a soccer ball hanging on a rope from the top.  You've got tether ball.  Tether ball is essentially soccer.

Let's sum it all up.  Field hockey, lacrosse, ice hockey, basketball, polo, American football, volleyball, water polo, tennis, badminton, table tennis, racquetball, handball, and tether ball are all variants of soccer.

Do you know what isn't soccer?  Baseball isn't soccer.  Baseball breaks many of the rules of soccer and soccer variants.  Players are either playing defense or offense, never at the same time.  The defense handles the ball.  There's no time limit or set scoring.  The object is for the player to reach the goal, not the ball.  Baseball is different.

Yes, baseball is different.  This is perhaps why so many don't seem to care for it.  One views a soccer game or variant and can very quickly figure out the basics of the game.  Baseball really needs to be explained to the newcomer or it will seem very confusing - especially if this newcomer is expecting another form of soccer. 

Baseball is the sport of physics and mathematics.  So many principles are there where a student of these disciplines can have a field day (pun intended).  It's a game where geometry and statistics is intertwined with physical action and mental toughness.  Unlike soccer and variants where strategy is about specific plays, strategy in baseball is fluid and constant.  So much so that the untrained spectator doesn't perceive it.  To enjoy baseball, one must be willing to be involved in it and not just passively watch it. 

Professional baseball doesn't always seem to get it.  It seems that some believe that changing a thing or two here and there to make it more "soccer-like" will get the unwashed masses who spend their money on tickets and jerseys for soccer and soccer variants to give baseball another look.  It isn't going to happen.  Why?  Because baseball is different.

Is adding instant-replay to baseball really going to improve baseball?  I don't think so.  Umpires and their all too human abilities and inabilities having to make instant decisions over a split-second occurrence is part of what makes baseball different, and better I might add.  Players and managers screaming at umpires over a perceived blown call is part of the fabric of baseball.  Why even try to get rid of it? 

For that matter, get rid of the designated hitter.  A baseball player is both a batter and a fielder.  Save the specialty players for American football.  It has no use in baseball except for those out there that believe an extra batter in the lineup is actually going to get a soccer person's attention. 

Baseball is different.

I want a Bat Mitzvah

Yes, you've read the title correctly.  I believe I deserve a retroactive Bat Mitzvah.  If some citizens get to have a party just for reaching a certain age, well, I should have one too. 

Can you believe some narrow-minded, bigots have the gumption to say I can't have one.  They argue by using ridiculous, Torah-thumping, sexist, ageist comments suggesting that I can't have a Bat Mitzvah because I'm not a thirteen year old Jewish girl.

Is this not America?  Don't we have discrimination laws?

How dare these people infringe on my rights by invoking some silly, antiquated religious rule!  Let's organize a march on Washington to raise awareness so the Supreme Court can rule on this travesty that is so unfair to us non-Jewish adult males.

The Deal

Here's an offer from the Left of America that's been going around recently:

"Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving.

We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ol' Miss.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Citizen of the Enlightened States of America"

Now, I'm a conservative who lives in California so it's a bit awkward to speak on behalf of the Red States but let me try.

I'll take the deal.  Hold on everybody on the Right.  Hear me out!

First of all, this proposal isn't entirely fair.  For example, the Blue States think they're entitled to having places like Yosemite.  Let me remind them that although Yosemite is in California, it's in the eastern - Red part of the state.  In fact, California, like most Blue states, is vastly Red geographically.  It would be a Red state if it weren't for the Los Angeles and San Francisco urban areas. 

Of course, Lex Luthor showed in Superman: The Movie that a few miles east of the west coast is "just hundreds and hundreds of miles of worthless desert land". 

I don't want to argue small details, I'll concede Yosemite.  After all, we get Yellowstone, Grand Teton, Glacier, and Great Smoky Mountain National Parks.  We also get New Orleans.  The current (mostly Democrat) residents are certainly welcome to stay there but they will have to switch ideologies.  Otherwise, you can have them.

I object to you referring to the south as "Slave States".  What century are you people living in?

By the way, condors have been introduced into the Grand Canyon.  There's another National Park we get.

"38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties"

You people believe that Hurricane Sandy was caused by humans contributing .0028% of the Earth's greenhouse gases.

Now, here's why I take the deal.

We get Alaska, Texas, Oklahoma and the Dakotas.  We get the oil.  Without the hysterics in our midst, we will build enough refineries and have cheap gasoline.  We'll be happy to sell you some but it's going to cost you.

We'll have lots of open space for wind and solar power too.  We're not against this, we just object to the government "investing" in these technologies.  If there's jobs and profit to be made, we'll do it - and not burden the taxpayers.

We'll be very business-friendly.  Businesses large and small are welcome.  Were not big on unions, so our companies will be competitive.  You'll have Ford, GM, Chrysler, and Honda.  We'll have Mercedes, BMW, Toyota, and Nissan.

"We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs."

Do you really think they'll stay with you?  You're going to want to significantly tax these people.  We're the ones who will actually be "fair".  Everyone will pay the same flat tax rate.  These entrepreneurs are going to be mostly Republicans anyways.  They're going to want to come to us.  How are you going to stop them from leaving?  Maybe, you will build a wall?

Anybody who wants to leave the Red States certainly may.  We won't stop them.  These will most likely be the people who don't work and scam welfare benefits.  They won't like living in the Red States.  They can be your burden, not ours.

Like any new nation, we'll have our share of problems.  Since no one will be on welfare, we'll all have a stake in making this work.  We'll find solutions.  Your economy will tank as your bluetopia* cannot possibly work. 

We believe in a strong military.  It will be a major priority.  Who's going to defend you?

In ten years or so, our nation will be going strong.  Your's will resemble Greece.

When that happens, we'll invade and the hippies and drug-addicts (you know, the ones abusing that "good weed") that will comprise a significant percentage of your nation will be unable to do anything about it. 

We'll re-instate the Constitution and get our country back.

We win.

*bluetopia (def.):  A community or group of communities where all workers make a comfortable "living wage" performing services - depending on their abilities, for the rest of the community.  Children of all races grow up in a harmonious, pollution-free environment with no violence, no crime, and therefore, no guns.  All conflicts are handled within and outside of the community with compassion and diplomacy.  Businesses don't compete with each other.  They just have set, "fair", pricing so anybody and everybody can afford anything.  All profits are re-distributed evenly back to the community. 

-From the Department of Alternate Universes (it would be a very boring place to live, anyways)

The Choice

Today is one day before Election Day, November 6, 2012.  I'm sure everyone living in a swing state will appreciate this as it should mean the end of incessant ads on TV, radio, phone calls, and mailers.  As many (including the candidates, themselves) have said, the choices are clear regarding how you vote for President.

Here is my perspective of what those choices are:

Obama will continue to push expansion of the federal government.  Obama will continually push programs that make decisions for us regarding what and how we should eat, who handles our health care, how and by what means we commute, and how our children should be educated.

Obama believes that the way to solve unemployment is for the government to hire workers to fix and update America's infrastructure.  He will push more stimulus and increase corporate taxes to try to pay for it.  The taxes won't be able to so the deficit and debt will grow.

Obama will not significantly improve the economy.  At best it will stabilize at its current state - leaving 23+ million unemployed.  Obama is not interested in improving the economy at the expense of his other priorities.

Obama will blame the increased deficit and debt on these same corporations and fault them for not agreeing with his "vision". 

Obama wants to severely diminish large and small business in this country.  He wants nationally-run corporations.

Obama will dismiss complaints about high gas prices and high inflation and suggest that this is because we need to embrace "green" technologies.  He will use the bad economy to promote his agenda of taking down the oil companies.  (May I remind you that oil companies hire millions of Americans including geologists, chemists, and other high-end professions.)

Obama will do nothing to alleviate racial tensions in America.  Obama thrives on perpetuating the belief that his opponents are racists.  It gives him a convenient scapegoat whenever he doesn't get his way or if someone disagrees with him.

Obama will continue to allow the U.N. to have more control and diminish America's role in the world.  It is possible that he will allow the U.N. to set policies and laws for United States citizens.

Obama will leave alone any kind of immigration reform as it is too controversial.  Otherwise, he'd have done it the first two years he was in office.

Obama will continue to defend "The Affordable Healthcare Act" and tell you the thousands of dollars more you are paying is not a tax and less than you would have paid if the evil insurance companies had their way.

Romney will bring years of upper-management experience and apply them.  He will start with national energy production and create a significant number of private sector jobs.

Romney's plan of adding private sector jobs will lower unemployment enough to increase the tax revenues needed to start dealing with the deficit and debt.  It will take years to turn this around, though but at least, Romney will address this seriously.

Romney will take a harder line in foreign relations.  Romney believes in "Peace through strength" as opposed to "strength through peace".

Romney, despite what his detractors say, will leave social issues alone for the most part.  He's not some religious-right evangelist as some seem to want to portray him.
________________________________________________________________________________

The above is in a nutshell, my perspective.  My economic arguments are based on Obama's record and the pitiful GDP numbers we've gotten and the non-improving unemployment rate.  My foreign policy arguments are based on how Obama's handled Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt, Iran, Russia, and of course, Libya. 

I've heard others stating diametric beliefs.  Let me share a few.

• Romney is a George W. Bush clone.
• Romney will take command of your "female parts"
• Romney will put you all in "chains".
• Romney will put us all in the fields "picking crops".

There are almost no pro-Obama arguments, only anti-Romney arguments.  The only pro-Obama argument I sometimes hear is that the economy is improving and to stick with him.  The economy has shown a sliver of improvement in the past month.  Do you really believe this will continue with the way Obama is?